


#23

by Schweet



Series: What Would I Even Tell Her [23]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Coming Out, F/F, Fear, LGBTQ Themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:34:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25136995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Schweet/pseuds/Schweet
Series: What Would I Even Tell Her [23]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1605673
Kudos: 1





	#23

Hello Elizabeth

I finally told him

He is confused

Understandably

I wouldn't have expected anything else

He fell somewhere in between

I love you and nothing could ever change that

And

I never want to see you again

"Are you mad"

No

"Are you disappointed"

No

But he didn't say

_Anything_

I want to run around the house and paint my face to reflect the rainbows in my veins

But I still don't feel I can

I don't want to overwhelm them

Him especially

I've told you I know you can't rush healing

But can't you rush understanding?

I want to be proud in who I am

After all these years of living in fear

And denial

And self-hatred

But I'm scared it'll be too much for them

Too soon

Part of me says fuck it

Wear rainbows

Wear suits

Cut your hair again and dye it pastel purple and let Wren shave the sides

But I don't think that part of me could ever be louder than the other part of me

The part that says don't force it on them

Don't make this harder for them than it already is

Don't be too loud

Don't push your luck

Don't make yourself regret this

Don't make them hate you the way you are so convinced they already do

Elizabeth I want to be free

I don't know to live without the consent and approval of my parents

I've been 21 for 5 months now and I'm still afraid to live for myself

I once told you my method for surviving high school was to be the nice, friendly person that could be everyone's friend

- _well, more like acquaintance_ -

And you didn't respond, probably because you pitied how I lived in fear but loved me too much to let me hear those words from your mouth

How can I stay everyone's friend if I live my truth?

Should that even be what I want anymore?

The only reason I told my mother in the first place was because I wanted her goddamn permission to kiss girls

I researched the LGBTQ+ community of every city of every school I applied to because I knew at college I could be me without fear of the repercussions I expect here

There's a fucking pride parade in Richmond

That happens when I would be there

I have never been to pride before

I so desperately want to go

But how could I enjoy myself if I worried over my mother seeing me in pictures covered in rainbows?

I keep telling myself I had to tell her

But I wish I had chosen another time and place and way

And my father still has yet to say anything

We leave for Cape Cod in three days

We'll be going to P-town for the first time in five years

I want to buy my first pride flag from the town where I first saw gay pride openly displayed and welcomed and _loved_ before the Supreme Court ruling of 2015

I want to take coming out pictures on the beach with my brand new P-town flag

I want to buy a cheap shirt from one of the tourist traps with a pun about being bi

I want to buy a pair of explicit pride socks from that one really neat knick knack shop

I want to tell everyone in line at the ice cream parlour that I'm a baby gay and that I came out on July the sixth of the year 2020 after many long hard years of self-hatred and repression

I want to be happy in who I am

And I want them to be happy with me

It took me a over a decade to come to terms with it

Could I bear another ten years for my father to accept it?


End file.
